did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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