I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
