I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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