i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
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It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
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I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize