Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
she looked like the before picture.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
