Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
