The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
