dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Randomize
