Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
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