It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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