Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
