How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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