Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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