you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
