Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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