sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
