haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
