Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
