I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
