I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
