I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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