The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
