: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Randomize
