Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
