you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
