He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
