mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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