I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
