The maid of honor just puked.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
