Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
