apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
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So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
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Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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