Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
