I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
