alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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