also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
