The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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