Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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