In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
