DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Also, beer. Big fan.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
