I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
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how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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