Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
