oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
