your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
