my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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