your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
