only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
