Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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