i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
