I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
