On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
