There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I don't deserve a penis
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
