I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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