Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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