I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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