Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
