We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
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